blackjack johnson

I needed a place where I could write down thoughts free from judgment. I'm one of those people who has made my life generally accessible via the internet. I don't feel this is a bad thing persay, I've met alot of really interesting people and have grown to consider many of them close friends. But sometimes it's good just to get away, you know? It's not like I spend all of my time on the internet, matter of factually I'm almost never home. But I'm going to treat this blog like a much needed trip to the country, a place to get it all together, to air it all out, and when my life isnt falling to pieces a place to come back and remember what I've had to go through to get where I may be in the future.

I'm a new college student, it's supposed to be a fresh start, a time for growing, a time where my life is supposed to start coming together. But no matter what I do, it feels like I'm falling to pieces, and I'm not going to lie I'm beginning to lose hope. In the beginning of it all it was me dealing with a bad break up, but luckily that's over. But now it's just about everything but that. I can't come to terms with myself as a person, or as an artist. I feel like I'm about to fail school, especially psychology class. I'm pretty sure I'm averaging a C in that class, so I'm one bad test away from going to an F. The only thing that's bothering me about this whole fiasco that is my life is I dont care, not one bit.

As a person I cant deal with myself, I don't feel like myself at all anymore not one bit. I feel worse about myself than I did when I did feel like myself. I feel like I've become so socially awkward and I'm still not ok with my looks. I recently have had to take away the only part of me I've ever liked physically, which was my beard. I know it had to be done because my job wanted me to do it, but still I feel like I got nothing going for me now.

I can't come to terms to the fact also I have nothing going for me. I've been told my whole life wether it be my parents or shitty after school specials that "you can do anything you put your mind too". This is a bold faced lie, I will never tell my kids this EVER. It should be more like "if you want something, you need to work your ass off to get it. But please don't be surprised of the world doesnt give it to you, we live in a cold dark place. But never stop trying if you want it". I've put my mind to becoming a great artist, but I'm legitimately losing my mind so I feel like I have nothing left to put into it. I spend 70% of my day drawing, doodling, painting, sketching, and it all comes out like shit. I've got nothing else, I'm not good at sports, my people skills are lacking, and I've got no other "talents". How am I supposed to foster up some chump change to support myself in the future.

A combination of all of these things has left me feeling the most lonely I've ever felt in my life. Some days I can't look at myself in the mirror, some days I am even afraid to even come home from school. My homelife is kind of shitty, but that's not why I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I get so overwhelmed and worked up I feel like throwing myself infront of the train, I dont see any point in going any further. But lifes one big game, you either go forward or you lose, and I'm not used to losing. I'm pushing on, not because I want to, but because I have too. If I just end it, I'm a loser. In the words of Nasir Jones " I need a new nigga for this black cloud to follow, because while it's over me it's to dark to see tomorrow".

What's really bothering me right now though is despite all of this I've found one person who gets me. A sweet, and understanding girl who I've had quite a history with. We've recently connected again and it feels so good to still know we're so much alike, and that she'll get me. She wont judge me because she's been through the same shit. The problem is because of our history, we must meet, and talk in secret.

I need to get out of here, a life to live on my own.