blackjack johnson

2010-03-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

The exterior, has become the new interior.
She looks like you, and he looks like me.
We're primarily judged on looks now adays,
not the type of person we are.
If we're looking similar a persons humanity becomes generalized,simple.
Humanity is nothing of the sort.
Our material possessions become who we are.
Our material possessions are a huge factor on how we're seen.
The lack of concern for who a person really is both shocks, and befuddles me.
Good people are passed up everyday, and this is sad.
What we own, ends up owning us.
We are all guilty of this

2010-01-10T18:50:00.001-08:00

the good days have been lacking, to my surmise
the bad days somehow never cease to surprise.
Together, something I've never been
Scattered, town, amongst the wind.
So before i can give anyone some of my time.
It's time for me to light another cigarette and empty my mind.

From the time I've been only enough to care, I've felt your judgment.
I've tasted it first hand, and I've thrown caution to the wind to avoid it.
I'm living life for my self no, no fear, no regret, and I love it.
I'm still not feeling whole, but I'm one step closer.

2010-01-10T18:28:00.001-08:00

Bad day, a short narrative

6:30 rolls around way to fast, the desire to get up as usual is not very strong.
Rush into the bathroom, throw some water on my face and shave.
Walk back into my room to get dressed from work.
I notice the bottles sprawled out in my room in my failed attempt to hide them last night.
I'm to tired to care right now, I'm just banking on my parents coming home AFTER I get out of work. Slight problem, I can't find my work tie. I rip my room to pieces even more trying to find it and eventually get it. Only good thing that comes out of this is the bottles are now under a thick layer of clothes. If my parents do make it home before me they wont see them unless they look for them quite hard. Despite my disheveled appearance I'm ready for work. So I head outside, the cold air feels nice, it helps me gather my wits about me. I walk down the block, past the neighbors house. I'm always careful to walk past their house before I light my morning cigarette. So I light up my smoke, and I'm immediately upset. It doesnt do for me what it normally does in the morning, it's lack luster as a matter of fact. I'm assuming it's because I've smoked quite heavily this past weekend but I digress. Work is a fiasco, I get in there and I wait for over an hour before I'm clocked in. After being clocked in I do no work, but the little work I do is disgusting. Before I know it I'm covered in garbage and ketchup. After I'm good and truly miserable, I decide to tell my parents I missed my scholarship by 2 points. They're pissed to no tomorrow, but there is nothing I can do. They wont let me rectify my mistake by paying them, theyre going to give me a speech about how I can always do better. I don't care. There is alot of unnecessary pressure put on me from many different angles. You can only hold so much before you begin to break down. So I come home and clean, disposing of my bottles, and tucking my new shot glasses away for safe keeping. Than I slumber, I wake up to angry stares and somber tones. I tuck my self into the happiest place I can, and i begin to draw. Now I'm here..

Such is life.

2009-12-30T21:17:00.001-08:00

This isnt a poem.
But I need to get some feelings out.
I need more social skills, though most people dont feel it.
I am so bad at first encounters, I wish I had the balls to say hi sometimes.
I was on the train today, I seen a beautiful girl.
She had the prettiest blue eyes, and a warm and inviting smile.
When I got on the train I was a little taken back, because he smile was directed at me.
I sat down next to her, and I contemplated for a stop or two if I should say something.
I was literally going through all the things I could have said.
A few things I was thinking of were..
A simple hello..
A compliment on her smile..
Asking where shes headed..
Our eyes met a few times, I was so taken back.
But I couldn't get the courage to say hello, or even a stutter.
I could see disappointment in her face..
To boot we got off at the same stop.
I missed my chance at a new friendship due to my inability to say hello.
I'm beating myself up over this.
I am so down on myself..
My looks, my talent, my personality can all be better in my eyes...
Maybe if I were happier with myself, I could gain the courage I so desperately want.
Fuck. I want this year to end.
I want to go back to school, meet new people, and to stop feeling so alone.

"I'm looking at a chance to change my stars today.
Across the platform but that sure seems far away.
Youre on the Brookyln bound side, i live in Queens and in between a car just came.
If I could give you a sign with my mind or give a cough,thats corny.
But I dont want to find our signals crossed
But leave it up to chance, you just get upon the next train and jet and give me one next day regret." - Louis Logic

Fuck, I take shit for granted.
But I cant change how I feel

2009-11-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

My guise is my life
Two masks I wear, day and night.
Day Is what you want to see.
The normal life of a out of the ordinary person.
By night it becomes a little different, atrophy.
I sit in my room by my lonesome.

Both masks work fine, they serve their purpose.
They fool you all, the truth out of focus
But you can't always fake it to you make it.
I fabricate beautiful lies
Though I am ugly.

Your love is my passions lusting
My friendship is safe passage.
I'm sorry, your heart is mine for the crushing.
But my heart no ones, from love it's fasting

Truth's, Lies, I won't begin to tell you.
Dance the dance of life, live as a fool.
Hide behind your masks
Hide behind the night
But let me make you a promise.
You can not hide for ever.

2009-11-26T20:08:00.000-08:00

The curtains are pulled low.
The lights are dim, no spark of life comes in.
"Get up, get out, you cant stay here forever."
"Stay down, youre worthless, if you lay here it's better"
"Get out of my head, both of you leave me be"
"I'm my own person, I need not either of ye"
"How dare you, I'm your guiding light, I'm the reason you get out of bed most days,"
"I love your hatred and your anger keep it coming, to me its better than getting laid,"
"LEAVE ME ALONE, BOTH OF YOU. I NEED YOU NOT BE GONE!"
I run as fast as my feet will take me, unknown beyond.

I reach dark corridors that seem to go on forever.
I stared straight ahead until this point, for I thought it was safe.
But to my dismay, behind me were my wraths so clever.
In tandem they said, "come here, my boy, you cant escape,"
I pick my feet up, this time moving with greater haste.
I turn left, I turn right. I can't get away
Need to catch my breath, I can't run forever.
In the distance my wraths are shadowy figures
But as they approach they are no clear as day.
I'm wheezing.
They're laughing.
I'm collapsing.
Now I'm captive.

I awaken in my bed, no signs of my fiends.
I notice a letter on the end table addressed to me.
It reads, "You can beat this, youre strong, dont give in...
When it is dark, you seem to get lost my friend..
But find your light, find your heart,"
I think to myself, "I'm so lost, where do I even start,"
I continue the letter to see the rest wrote in dark red ink
" I'll be with you no matter where you are, I'm closer than you think...
You can't get away from depression and malice
For ever you'll dwell in this dark palace..
When you think I'm going, I'm just around the corner..
The world is as dark, and you are its quiet mourner.."

I read to the bottom, I see the name at the end.
It's from my one and only, my best of friends.
It's signed love always, yourself.
I am destitute.
I am lonely.
I am torn.
If I keep this up, I won't last much longer.

2009-11-24T16:54:00.001-08:00

At my core there is a story
A brazen allegory
My tale is of glory but gory
Enter the world of those before me

I'll breath fornication and death
I'll exhale the lights of the city
My inhabitants are far from bereft
The last thing they need is your pity

I'm where the nights never end
I'm where they days just begin
I am your lover, I'm your friend
I'm the city you live in

As much as I love you, I'm a cold hearted
Some days I'm as black as night and night hasnt started.
Your greed is like sex to me, your addiction is ecstacy
I'll ruin you, but you're stupid, you'll always come back.

So treat me with kindness, and I'll reward you greatly
You treat me with ill intent, and I may bury you
Tread with caution into me, take great saftey
For is you tread wrong I'll make you my fool

I am the big apple
I am the city of broken dreams
I am the land where it all happen
I am the place of the fiends
I am the home

2009-11-23T17:16:00.000-08:00

I needed a place where I could write down thoughts free from judgment. I'm one of those people who has made my life generally accessible via the internet. I don't feel this is a bad thing persay, I've met alot of really interesting people and have grown to consider many of them close friends. But sometimes it's good just to get away, you know? It's not like I spend all of my time on the internet, matter of factually I'm almost never home. But I'm going to treat this blog like a much needed trip to the country, a place to get it all together, to air it all out, and when my life isnt falling to pieces a place to come back and remember what I've had to go through to get where I may be in the future.

I'm a new college student, it's supposed to be a fresh start, a time for growing, a time where my life is supposed to start coming together. But no matter what I do, it feels like I'm falling to pieces, and I'm not going to lie I'm beginning to lose hope. In the beginning of it all it was me dealing with a bad break up, but luckily that's over. But now it's just about everything but that. I can't come to terms with myself as a person, or as an artist. I feel like I'm about to fail school, especially psychology class. I'm pretty sure I'm averaging a C in that class, so I'm one bad test away from going to an F. The only thing that's bothering me about this whole fiasco that is my life is I dont care, not one bit.

As a person I cant deal with myself, I don't feel like myself at all anymore not one bit. I feel worse about myself than I did when I did feel like myself. I feel like I've become so socially awkward and I'm still not ok with my looks. I recently have had to take away the only part of me I've ever liked physically, which was my beard. I know it had to be done because my job wanted me to do it, but still I feel like I got nothing going for me now.

I can't come to terms to the fact also I have nothing going for me. I've been told my whole life wether it be my parents or shitty after school specials that "you can do anything you put your mind too". This is a bold faced lie, I will never tell my kids this EVER. It should be more like "if you want something, you need to work your ass off to get it. But please don't be surprised of the world doesnt give it to you, we live in a cold dark place. But never stop trying if you want it". I've put my mind to becoming a great artist, but I'm legitimately losing my mind so I feel like I have nothing left to put into it. I spend 70% of my day drawing, doodling, painting, sketching, and it all comes out like shit. I've got nothing else, I'm not good at sports, my people skills are lacking, and I've got no other "talents". How am I supposed to foster up some chump change to support myself in the future.

A combination of all of these things has left me feeling the most lonely I've ever felt in my life. Some days I can't look at myself in the mirror, some days I am even afraid to even come home from school. My homelife is kind of shitty, but that's not why I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I get so overwhelmed and worked up I feel like throwing myself infront of the train, I dont see any point in going any further. But lifes one big game, you either go forward or you lose, and I'm not used to losing. I'm pushing on, not because I want to, but because I have too. If I just end it, I'm a loser. In the words of Nasir Jones " I need a new nigga for this black cloud to follow, because while it's over me it's to dark to see tomorrow".

What's really bothering me right now though is despite all of this I've found one person who gets me. A sweet, and understanding girl who I've had quite a history with. We've recently connected again and it feels so good to still know we're so much alike, and that she'll get me. She wont judge me because she's been through the same shit. The problem is because of our history, we must meet, and talk in secret.

I need to get out of here, a life to live on my own.